Robert Vaughn's Columns

2004-01-31T12:19:00.000-08:00

HERE IS MY TOP TEN OF 2003 (still a work in progress):

10. The Secret Lives of Dentists (dir. Alan Rudolph)

9. Kill Bill: Volume One (dir. Quentin Tarantino)

8. Mystic River (dir. Clint Eastwood)

7. In America (dir. Jim Sheridan)

6. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (dir. Peter Weir)

5. School of Rock (dir. Richard Linklator)

4. Lost in Translation (dir. Sophia Coppola)

3. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (dir. Peter Jackson)

2. Monster (dir. Patty Jenkins)

1. American Splendor (dir. Shari Springer Berman, Robert Pulcini)

Special Mentions (in no particular order): The Cooler, A Mighty Wind, The Italian Job, Out of Time, Finding Nemo, Nowhere in Africa, X-2: X-Men United, Stuck on You, Freaky Friday, 28 Days Later

Worst Films: Cold Mountain, 21 Grams, Matrix Reloaded, Anger Management, Bringing Down the House, Bad Boys II, Gigli

Worst Film of the Year: Irreversible

2004-01-18T11:43:00.000-08:00

Now, it's time for some brief movie reviews, courtesy of Cheap Tickets, Inc., The Best Kept Secret in Travel:

COLD MOUNTAIN: This is the most blatant case of Oscar baiting I've ever seen from Harvey Weinstein. Remember when Miramax was a consistant diversion from the Hollywood mainstream? Now they're churning out the same derivative, phony bullshit we've seen for decades. Well, like everything else wrong with this country, I blame the Bush administration.

21 GRAMS: After I saw this movie, I immediately craved a chocolate bar...laced with cyanide.

BIG FISH: Well-made, well-acted, highly watchable, ultimately forgettable. I miss Tim Burton.

IN AMERICA: A very personal film from Jim Sheridan, about an Irish family immigrating to America. Good stuff.

LOST IN TRANSLATION: Subtle, restrained, and effortless. Bill Murray does some remarkable work, and the soundtrack is brilliant.

GIGGLY: Martin Brest's fiasco about Ben Affleck converting lesbians. I blame the Bush administration.

2004-01-17T23:13:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time coming, gang, but the wait is finally over! I'm back, revitalized, and ready to tackle the issues that concern all of us Americans. The war in Arabia, global warning, and the upcoming votes are just very important. These kinds of issues are not cool. And should be fixed. We as Americans should really do something about these issues. They're issues and we should do something about it.

Now.

Anyway. How are you folks doing these days?

Email me, and tell me how're you doing. And then, I'll email you back, and tell you how I'm doing. Describing how each other is doing is a great conversation starter, which could lead to many wonderful things. Example:

"How're you doing?"
"Good, good. How're you doing?"
"Not bad. Not bad."
"So, what do you think about the upcoming votes?"
"They're very important."
"Yeah. They're not cool at all."

If you want to learn more about how to engage in an intellegent conversation, read my book, "Various Conversation Tactics and You", a bestseller in 1981. It was a rough period in my life. However, by the grace of God, I got through it, and the generous souls at Simon & Schuster were most supportive. I want to thank my family, as well. Without them, I wouldn't have a family.

Anyway, I'll have more here pretty soon about the war in Iran. Stay tuned...

2003-10-14T11:37:00.000-07:00

SECOND INTERVIEW WITH ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:

ROBERT: Hello, Governor.

ARNOLD: Hallo.

ROBERT: How are things going?

ARNOLD: I am guhvenah.

ROBERT: I know. Congratulations.

ARNOLD: Thank you.

ROBERT: So...you're governor now. What next?

ARNOLD: Prezeedent.

ROBERT: President?

ARNOLD: Yes. Zen zah world!

ROBERT: No. I meant, what are you going to do as governor of California.

ARNOLD: Hasta la vista higher taxes.

ROBERT: Oh? Anything else?

ARNOLD: I'll be back.

ROBERT: That makes no sense, Arnold.

ARNOLD: I vill termeenate property taxes.

ROBERT: Oh...but don't you think we need some taxes in order to balance the budget?

ARNOLD: I vill termeenate budget planning.

ROBERT: Oh. So no budget planning?

ARNOLD: None.

ROBERT: You're just going to wing it?

ARNOLD: No.

ROBERT: So, what are you going to do?

ARNOLD: Vatch Termeenatah Three.

ROBERT: Yes, yes. But I'm talking about your agenda as governor.

ARNOLD: Can I touch your breasts?

ROBERT: I don't have breasts.

(Arnold tries to grope Robert)

ROBERT: Arnold, stop it.

ARNOLD: (tears welling up in his eyes) I can't stop.....

ROBERT: Oh. I'm sorry, Arnold.

(Arnold hangs his head in shame)

ROBERT: Maybe you should get some help.

ARNOLD: (sniffling) Grope more breasts?

ROBERT: No! I mean, help you with this impulsive groping and fondling of poor, unsuspecting women.

ARNOLD: I know.

ROBERT: Should I set you up with a councelor?

ARNOLD: Will she have breasts?

ROBERT: A guy councelor...

ARNOLD: Will he have breasts?

ROBERT: Arnold! You gotta stop it!

ARNOLD: I know. I know...

ROBERT: Is it just breasts you like? Does it matter what gender?

ARNOLD: No. Ah just like touching soft theeengs... evah seeence ah vas a little keed, I touch soft theengs....

Then the tape recorder jammed up, finishing the interview...

Actually, I stopped writing this mock-interview because it isn't funny...at all.

Sorry for wasting your time....

2003-09-22T14:16:00.001-07:00

THINGS THAT ARE CREEPY:

Paul Schrader's "Auto Focus"

The Murder of Bob Crane Documentary on the "Auto Focus" DVD

Willem Dafoe

Camera Tripods

"Hogan's Heroes"

Antique Video Cameras

Personal Photo Albums of Naked Girls

70's Disney Movies (that star Bob Crane)

Bob Crane

Old, Antique VCRs

Dinner Theater

John Carpenter

The 70's (in general)

Promiscuous, Clinical, Joyless Sex

Strip Clubs That Feature a Jazz Band

Jerking Off To Home Videos that Feature You Having Sex

Black and White Home Video

Comical Nazis

Sorry, I had to get this off my chest. "Auto Focus" offers us such a shallow, unsympathetic view of Bob Crane (the infamous actor from TV's "Hogan's Heroes"), that I'm still feeling a little disturbed...and queasy. And if you ever rent or purchase the DVD, do yourself a favor: don't watch the Goddamn "Murder at Scottsdale" documentary (which showcases, for all our amusement, archival footage of Bob Crane's dead body), unless you're accompanied by a few people. I had the misfortune of watching the Goddamn thing by myself...at 1:30 in the morning. In the dark...

Very traumatic.

Anyway, the movie itself is still worth seeing. Greg Kinnear is quite good at capturing the amiability of Bob Crane, as well as his obliviousness. Willem Dafoe (as John carpenter, Bob Crane's longtime associate) is the one to watch, however. He's creepy, yes...but oddly touching.

As Bob Crane's life spirals out of control, Paul Schrader (the director) succumbs to hackneyed movie gimmicks (hand-held camera, desaturated colors, altered film stock) as an obvious contrast to the bright-colored palette from the picture's first two-thirds.

Pretty unexceptional, but "Auto Focus", for better or worse, sticks in the mind.

Also, watch "Punch-Drunk Love" again. It is strange, beautiful, and moving. Adam Sandler is amazing to watch.

Alright, I'm gone.

Later...

Robert

2003-09-04T10:37:00.000-07:00

THE TWO TOWERS REVIEW

The 2 tours was good but long. too much talk not alot of action. i like the part were the miget kills the dwarfs. the ending is stopid. the fight scene at the end is good and I like the part with the ring. The migets are cool. this movie is good so much that it is better than the first one. Fruto is a cool actor. this movie rocked!!!

2003-08-30T19:52:00.000-07:00

THE 25TH HOUR REVIEW

spike Lee's good movie about the two tours that was used to be in New York is very good. Evryone is good in it. The actors are good too. I used to not like Spike Lee, but I like him now. Good violence in it, too. That guy from Stephen Speilberg's movie is good too in 25 Hours hes good in it. I dont like movies with white people that want to be black, but here it is very good. The movie was too long, and I almsot fell asleep the ending was stupid. This movies stupid.

2003-08-07T15:36:00.000-07:00

I....have nothing to say.

2003-07-28T19:06:00.000-07:00

SOME MORE RECOMMENDATIONS:

MAN ON THE MOON (1999) Although perhaps too conventional a biopic, about a man who was anything but conventional, the picture still works, primarily because of Jim Carrey's brilliance. His mimicry of Andy Kaufman's alter egos/characters (Foreign Man, Elvis, and, especially, Tony Clifton) is uncanny, yet his performance cuts deep (or as deep as the script allows), and the supporting cast is uniformily excellent. Unfocused, yet entertaining.

2003-07-19T16:16:00.000-07:00

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN! I NOW INTRODUCE TO YOU, THE GENERIC BLACK STAND-UP COMEDIAN, RUFUS T !!!!

Rufus walks onto stage, grabbing his balls with his right hand.

Audience is giving him a standing ovation.

Rufus puts the mic up to his mouth.

RUFUS: Yeah...

Black people in the audience are already laughing.

White people in the audience are laughing, too, yet it's obvious they don't know what for. They're basically laughing out of fear.

RUFUS: What up, y'all?

Black women in the audience are shaking their hips, and raising their arms in the air.

The white women are pretending to do the same thing...out of fear.

Rufus approaches the audience , and high fives everyone.

All of a sudden, Rufus jumps back, as if he was just zapped by a cattle prod.

RUFUS: Damn!!!

Audience laughs, applauds.

RUFUS: I thought 'dem Jeri Curls went out of style, bitch!

Audience laughs, and points at the poor, humilated woman sporting the aforementioned hairstyle. She laughs along with everybody.

RUFUS: You been in a coma for fifteen years, ya' stupid ho?!

Audience laughs even louder.

RUFUS: Well, lemme bring you up to date, niggah! Michael Jackson's white,
O.J. didn't do it, and David Dinkins became president!!

Audience laughs, applauds...

RUFUS: Yeah....he won the presidency, bitch! But he was only in the
White House for two weeks.

Audience laughs...

RUFUS: He said, "I did in two weeks what white boys
can't pull off in four years! Pimpin' 'dem ho's,
and signin' vetoes."

Audience can't control themselves. They are overcome with laughter.
So is Rufus, who's amused at his own joke.

Rufus paces back and forth, swaying as if to music.

RUFUS: How you mother fuckers feelin' tonight?!

Audience applauds.

RUFUS: Damn! A lot of white people in here!

Audience laughs.

RUFUS: (in a white guy voice) "Uh, oh...he's talking about us, Calvin."

Audience laughs.

RUFUS: (in a white guy voice) "I know that, Greg. I'm not stupid, you know."

Audience laughs.

RUFUS: (in white guy's voice) "Geez. Let's just hide
our faces, until the end of the show."

Audience laughs...

RUFUS: "Good thinking, dude."

Audience laughs, applauds.

RUFUS: Is it true when you white people fart, you act like it
wasn't you?

Audience laughs.

RUFUS: (in white guy's voice) "What the hell was
that?"

Rufus turns around, mimicking a white person.

Audience laughs.

RUFUS: (in white guy's voice) "Holy smokes, Jason!
You're so gross!"

Audience laughs.

RUFUS: (in white guy's voice) "Oh, get real, Edward!
Grow up!"

Audience laughs.

RUFUS: You get a couple of niggahs in an elevator, they be claimin
that shit, right?

Audience laughs, nodding their heads.

RUFUS: (in stereotypical black man voice) "Yeah...that was me,
mother fucker."

Audience laughs in recognition...

Then the ceiling falls, killing everyone, but Rufus T.

RUFUS: Damn! Looks like I really brought down
the house!!!

THE END

2003-07-16T15:36:00.000-07:00

SOME RECOMMENDATIONS:

Primary Colors (1998) - An underrated comedy from director Mike Nichols, which showcases great performances from John Travolta, Emma Thompson, Kathy Bates, Billy Bob Thornton, and (also under-appreciated) Adrian Lester. Check it out again.

Hearts of Darkness (1991) A mesmerizing documentary about the making of Francis Ford Coppola's vietnam epic, Apocalypse Now. The film features interviews with Coppola, Eleanor Coppola (his wife), George Lucas, and John Milius, among others. As a bonus, there's footage of a slightly obese Marlon Brando wandering off the set in the middle of a scene, muttering "I can't think of any more dialogue today..."

2003-07-08T14:17:00.000-07:00

AN INTERVIEW WITH ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:

ROB: Hello.

ARNOLD: Hello.

ROB: It's a pleasure to meet you.

ARNOLD: Itzah pleasah to meet you, too.

ROB: Thank you. (pause) Terminator 3...big hit.

ARNOLD: Yes.

ROB: How does it feel being on top of the world again?

ARNOLD: Bettah zen zah vorld beeing on top of me. Ha, ha, ha.

ROB: Yeah - you haven't had a hit in a while, have you?

ARNOLD: Dis eez true.

ROB: When was your last hit anyway?

ARNOLD: Jeengle All Zah Vey.

ROB: Jingle All the Way wasn't a hit, Arnold.

ARNOLD: Jooniah.

ROB: No, no, no...Junior wasn't a hit, either.

ARNOLD: Jeengle All Zah Vey.

(Long pause)

ROB: Fine. Jingle All the Way.

ARNOLD: Ha, ha, ha.

(Arnold proceeds to light up a cigar)

ROB: Uh, Mr. Schwarzenegger...you're not aloud to smoke
in here.

ARNOLD: Fuck yoooou.

(Arnold blows smoke in Rob's face)

(Rob coughs)

ARNOLD: Termeenatah 3 is a spec-tac-u-lah achievement, weeth most
spec-tac-u-lah special effects.

ROB: Right. I agree. It's a good action film.

ARNOLD: Nick Stahl...Claire Daaaaanze...

ROB: Yeah. They're very good in it. I especially liked you. I couldn't
imagine anyone else in your role.

ARNOLD: Dis eez true.

ROB: You have a female nemesis in the movie. Explain that.

ARNOLD: Kreeestana Loken eez ah treasah to behold. Voman deeserve
da same opprahtunities az zuh men.

ROB: Yes.

ARNOLD: Voman are our muthahs and seestahs.

ROB: Yes, yes...about Kristanna Loken, what was it like working-

ARNOLD: Vomen are our providahs...

ROB: Yes, I know that, Arnold.

ARNOLD: A vote for Ahnuld eez zah vote for vomen's rights.

ROB: Yes-what?

ARNOLD: Zah Voman's Sufferage league eez vary eemportant...

ROB: Woman's sufferage?

ARNOLD: I vill try to pass new laws zat vill enable voman to vote...

ROB: Wait, Arnold...

ARNOLD: I vill vork hard to make zat ah new ahmendment.

ROB: Mr. Schwarzenegger...?

ARNOLD: Vote Ahnuld.

ROB: Sir?

ARNOLD: Dooo it!

ROB: Arnold! Woman are aloud to vote in this country.

(long pause)

(Arnold continues to smoke his cigar, without saying a word)

ROB: Arnold?

(Arnold gives a big smile)

ARNOLD: Vatch Termeenatah 3.

ROB: I already did.

ARNOLD: Doo it again.

Arnold then handed me one of his cigars, pat me on the back, and the
interview was over.

As he walked out the door, all I could think was this: Sure, he's
mis-informed, he's inarticulate, and he made Jingle All the Way.
But, by God, there goes the greatest candidate for state governor the
world has ever known....

2003-07-07T09:06:00.000-07:00

WHEEL OF MIS-FORTUNE
ROBERT VAUGHN'S CONTINUING INVESTIGATION
OF THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE PHENOMENOM:

VANNA: I love Pat Sajak's sense of humor. On one
particular show, before we said our goodbyes
to the audience, his pants fell down to his ankles
while the cameras were still rolling. (laughter)
Gosh! I mean, that was, like, totally improgated.

INTERVIEWER: Improvised?

VANNA: Yeah, that, too. He was constantly being
sporadic on set.

- ELLE MAGAZINE, 1988

"He's as funny as my cock!"

- MERVE GRIFFIN, drunkenly shouting at guests
during a party, 1995

"I know what he said. I was sitting right next to
him."

- PAT SAJAK, referring to Merve Griffin's comments
(see above), 1995

"The show used to be big...bigger than big. These
days, it's a Goddamn Vegas sideshow, like that
Leno idiot."

- MERVE GRIFFIN, drunkenly talking out loud to
no one in particular, at same party (see above),
1995

"As the show grew in popularity, Pat (Sajak) was
utterly consumed by the spotlight. One night,
he actually trespassed onto Merve Griffin's
property, screaming out obscenities, claiming
he was the sole reason for Wheel of Fortune's
success, and demanded the show be renamed
"Pat's Gold"... However, Merve was on vacation
in the Bahamas at the time, and fortunately
wasn't able to witness this ugly incident..."

- ANONYMOUS, 1999

PAT SAJAK: "Pat's Gold"! It's just more catchy!

HOUSESITTER: Si, senor.

PAT: Who wants to watch a dumb broad twirlin'
letters around? She's unholy! She's an abomination!

HOUSESITTER: Si, senor.

PAT: I mean...who the fuck wants to watch
Vanna White?!

HOUSESITTER: The police.

PAT: No, the police have never been very
supportive of our show.

HOUSESITTER: No, senor. The police.

(Pat Sajak turns around, and sees ten
police cars coming up the driveway)

PAT: Ahh, shit...

- MERVE GRIFFIN'S SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS, catching
this conversation on tape, 1987

"Why do you fuckers scream out the letters?!
You have microphones, for chrissake!"

- PAT SAJAK, shouting at contestants during another
show that didn't air, 1989

PAT SAJAK: What have I done with my life?

VANNA WHITE: Whaddya' mean?

PAT SAJAK: Seems like such a waste...

VANNA WHITE: Hey, buddy! Turn that frown upside
down.

PAT SAJAK: Huuuh?

VANNA WHITE: You're the most popular host of
the most popular talk show the world has ever
known!

PAT SAJAK: Talk show? (pause) Don't you mean,
"game show"?

VANNA WHITE: Yeah, that, too. (pause) It's been a fun
ride. And I'm happy I spent it with you, and
not Alex Trebek!

PAT SAJAK: Here, here!

VANNA WHITE: (smiles) Come on...let's go to the
mall!

PAT SAJAK: You're on... (pause) But, uhh...you're going
to have to drive.

VANNA WHITE: Why's that?

PAT SAJAK: I kinda' crashed my car into another tree again.

VANNA WHITE: What? Last night.

PAT SAJAK: No, today. On the way over here.

(Vanna just shakes her head, and shrugs her shoulders)

VANNA WHITE: That's our Pat!

FREEZE FRAME....

- MADE UP CONVERSATION THAT MOST LIKELY TOOK PLACE

THE END

2003-07-04T11:32:00.000-07:00

It's the Fourth of July, and you know what that means:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!!!

Yeah, Happy Birthday, Big Guy...and sorry
you died, but happy you came back to life,
and all that shit.

2003-07-03T09:09:00.000-07:00

2ND QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"Adolph Hitler coined the phrase 'Hitler-rific'."

- David Letterman's writing staff, 2003

2003-07-03T08:58:00.000-07:00

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going. When the
going gets rough, the rough get going."

- Billy Ocean, mopping floors at John Adams High School, 2003

2003-07-01T15:01:00.000-07:00

"JACK OF ALL TRADES"

A new sitcom, airing this fall on CBS

Here's a little excerpt from the actual show, just to
wet your appetites a bit:

FADE IN:
(Jack walks into the apartment, and throws his keys on the table)

(He throws them so hard, they skid off, landing on the ground)

(Audience laughs)

(Billy Skiles runs down the stairs, and looks up and down at Jack)

(Jack looks at his roomate)

JACK: What?

BILLY: Looks to me like you need a little somethin'-somethin'.

JACK: Like what?

BILLY: (beat) I don't know. Somethin'.

(Audience laughs, applauds)

BILLY: How was your day?

JACK: Why?

BILLY: Nothing. You look a little tired. You want me to fix you something to drink?

(Jack waits a beat)

JACK: Alright. How much you need?

(Audience laughs)

BILLY: What?

JACK: The five years we've been roomates, you've never offered me a drink.

BILLY: What? I'm in shock. And frankly, I'm a little offended...

JACK: Judging by your diet, you're not "a little" anything, Billy.

(Audience laughs)

BILLY: Okay, fine...be that way.

(Jack looks through his mail)

(Billy continues to stare at him)

BILLY: (beat) Fix you a sandwich...?

(Audience laughs)

JACK: Billy...

BILLY: Come on! I make a mean apricot-BLT sandwich.

(audience makes groaning noises and laughs)

JACK: Apricot-BLT?

BILLY: Yeah.

JACK: Why not just a BLT sandwich?

BILLY: Really? Is that what you want?

JACK: Yeah, sure.

BILLY: Good, 'cuz we don't have apricots.

(Audience laughs, applauds)

BILLY: You want a sandwich, then?

JACK: Yeah, yeah...

BILLY: Good. (beat) I also need a hundred dollars.

(Audience goes "oooooooooooohhhhhh....")

(Jack is dumbfounded)

JACK: What? (pause) I thought you said you didn't want any money.

BILLY: I never said that.

JACK: Well...times are tight right now. I can't spare that much...

BILLY: Really?

JACK: Yeah.

BILLY: Hmm...sounds like SOMEBODY's not being financially responsible.

(AUdience laughs a little)

JACK: Me? You're the one who needs to borrow money all the time.

BILLY: Yeah, 'cuz I don't want to eat into any of my savings.

JACK: I thought you closed your bank account.

BILLY: Yeah, but, I'm starting a new one.

JACK: Where?

BILLY: My shoebox.

(Audience laughs, applauds)

(Jack rolls his eyes)

JACK: A shoebox?

BILLY: Yeah. Beats a bank, any day.

JACK: Are you serious? You're thirty years old, and you keep your money in a shoebox...

BILLY: Well, last time I kept it underneath my mattress, the cleaning lady would always take it,
thinking it was tip money.

JACK: We don't HAVE a cleaning lady.

(Audience laughs)

BILLY: Then who WAS that?

(Audience laughs louder)

JACK: Okay...that does it.

BILLY: What?

JACK: We're gonna get you a checking account, today.

BILLY: Why?

JACK: Because it's the smart thing to do. (pause) And you want to be smart, don't
you?

(Billy just looks at him)

(A long pause)

(Billy doesn't say anything)

(Audience laughs)

JACK: Well, don't you?

BILLY: Not if it requires any thinking...

(audience laughs, applauds)

JACK: It's okay, Billy. We'll let the bank do the thinking.

(Billy just smiles, shaking his head)

BILLY: Banks...it's the wave of the future.

(Audience laughs, and gives a huge applause)

END OF SCENE

This sitcom will star Rob Lowe as Jack, and Scott Baio as Billy.

Look for it...

2003-06-30T14:46:00.000-07:00

THOUGHT OF THE DAY:

You know, if we had less crime, things would be better off
than they are today.

Think about it.

2003-06-30T09:45:00.000-07:00

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"You can compare and contrast my life to a sponge, I guess: sponges
can absorb several distinct brands of fluid, yet they don't cough
up blood, and wake up on park benches every morning."

- Tom Brokaw, NBC Nightly News Anchor, 2000

2003-06-29T13:19:00.000-07:00

Hello, good-natured folks. Welcome to Robert Vaughn's columns,
an entertaining diversion from the hussle-and-bussle of the daily
grind. My only thought is to engross, enlighten, and possibly
even move thousands upon millions of web-browsers.

You know who you are!

(giggle, chuckle)

Anyway...seriously: these columns may change your life. But don't
take my word for it. Just listen to this satisfied web-browser:

"Wow. What can I say? Dare to dream...dare to live...dare to
read Robert Vaughn's columns. Oh my! To live in constant,
utter amazement, my whole life, everyday...from the vastness
of the Sahara Desert, to the confinement of a barrel falling over
Niagra Falls, I have been everywhere you can imagine...but none
compare to Robert Vaughn's columns. Dear God! TO LIVE!!! Oh...
I am engulfed in the light of his columns!!! Oh God!!! Oh, my God!!
Oh, dear Lord!!! Ahhh....it's more beautiful than I could ever
imagine!!! Goodbye, world!!! Good bye!!!! I'm comin', Elizabeth!!
Blaaaaggghhhh...."

- Strom Thurmond, 2003

Anyway...hope you continue to read these columns....whoever you are.
If not, than I'm just amusing myself, I guess.

2003-06-29T08:18:00.000-07:00

Sorry, no column today. I'm taking Sunday morning off
to worship God.

In fact, I wrote a song about the big guy upstairs, just to
indulge my God-fearing whims. The song's entitled "God's
Club". Here' s a little sample:

YOU DON'T NEED A MEMBERSHIP
TO GET IN GOD'S CLUB
ALL YOU NEED IS THE BIBLE
AND HE'LL SHOWER YOU WITH LOVE

FILL OUT THIS APPLICATION FORM
AND YOU DON'T NEED A PEN
ALL YOU NEED IS FAITH AND LOVE
AND IT'LL BE A LIFETIME OF ZEN

GOD'S CLUB
COME ON OVER TO
GOD'S CLUB
BRING YOUR MOTHER, TOO
GOD'S CLUB
NO SECURITY DEPOSIT
GOD'S CLUB
JUST A SIMPLE LITTLE APPLICATION FEE OF ONLY $500.00,
SEND CHECK OR MONEY ORDER TO THE FOLLOWING ADDRESS:
FOCUS ON FAMILY
P.O. BOX 736
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO 80906
THEY ALSO ACCEPT MASTERCARD OR VISA, AND PAYMENT CAN BE MADE VIA
PHONE OR INTERNET. CALL FOCUS ON THE FAMILY AT 719-236-4478 FOR
MORE INFORMATION. IF YOU WANT TO JOIN....

GOD'S CLUB!!!!!!!!
YEAH!!!

See you in heaven,

Brother Rob

2003-06-26T13:20:00.000-07:00

I wrote the most brilliantly funny thing in the world,
but I accidentally deleted it.

So, please enjoy this substitute.

2003-06-26T12:24:00.001-07:00

15TH CLICHE OF THE DAY:

"Blessing in disguise."

2003-06-26T12:24:00.000-07:00

14TH CLICHE OF THE DAY:

"The cow jumped over the moon."

2003-06-26T12:23:00.000-07:00

13TH CLICHE OF THE DAY:

"One day at a time."

2003-06-26T12:22:00.001-07:00

12TH CLICHE OF THE DAY:

"Strut your stuff."

2003-06-26T12:22:00.000-07:00

11TH QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here."

2003-06-26T12:21:00.000-07:00

10TH CLICHE OF THE DAY:

"Put your money on the line."

2003-06-26T12:20:00.001-07:00

9TH CLICHE OF THE DAY:

"Don't fuck those whores, because you might get AIDS."

2003-06-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

8TH CLICHE OF THE DAY:

"Back in the saddle."

2003-06-26T12:19:00.001-07:00

7TH CLICHE OF THE DAY:

"I've got my eye on you."

2003-06-26T12:19:00.000-07:00

6TH CLICHE OF THE DAY:

"Be still my beating heart."

2003-06-26T12:18:00.000-07:00

5TH CLICHE OF THE DAY:

"She eats so much she's a real big fat fucking bitch."

2003-06-26T12:17:00.000-07:00

4TH CLICHE OF THE DAY:

"Came at me like a bat out of hell"

2003-06-26T12:16:00.000-07:00

3RD CLICHE OF THE DAY:

"You're tough as nails."

2003-06-26T12:15:00.000-07:00

2ND CLICHE OF THE DAY:

"Don't get near that sun...you might burn to death!"

2003-06-26T12:14:00.000-07:00

CLICHE OF THE DAY:

"When the going gets tough--the tough go fishing!"

2003-06-25T20:51:00.000-07:00

CLICHE OF THE DAY:

"Smooth moves, exlax."

2003-06-25T12:57:00.000-07:00

MR SHOW:

Being a fan of HBO's classic comedy show, I find it most disheartening when
I witness Bob Oedenkirk and David Cross on Jimmy Kimmel not being
funny. At all. In fact, it's not like they've hit rock bottom, but when you're
straining for laughs, as they were last night, it makes you wonder.

Here are last night's low points:

DAVID CROSS, parodying Demi Moore's recent fling with Ashton Kuscher
by pretending to be in love with Marla Gibbs. (true, Jimmy kimmel's audience
isn't aware of this new revolution called "irony", so...Cross isn't really
at fault. Funny idea, lame execution)

BOB OEDENKIRK, stumbling onto the set, claiming there's a monster
backstage. (Alright, funny idea, but I swear it looked as if Bob was on
cocaine...)

STEVE HARVEY IS A FUCKIN' IDIOT WITH NO SENSE OF HUMOR...sorry,
I had to get that out.

Okay...dry humor doesn't really work if the TV station (ABC)
is owned by Disney. And it also doesn't help if Steve Harvey is an
idiot.

You know, the more that I think about it, it wasn't really Bob and
Dave's fault. It was the audience, it was Disney, and it was Steve
Harvey, who is an idiot.

If you saw Jimmel Kimmel last night (which is a decent show only because
Jmmy is a funny man) you know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, just thought I'd get this off my chest.

Hey, Steve Harvey....get a sense of humor. It might help, since
you're a "comedian". You resemble a fat Richard Pryor, except
that he isn't an idiot.

I'm done.

Oh, and eat Pringles....

2003-06-24T14:03:00.000-07:00

4TH QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"Keep an eye on him."

- LARRY KING'S AGENT, spoken to a close source of mine,
who once was a producer for Larry's radio show. Larry
struggled with compulsive gambling during the eighties,
and often would sneak out of his hotel during business
trips, and blow thousands of dollars at local casinos.

(this is true)

2003-06-24T13:55:00.000-07:00

3RD QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"Do you consider yourself a musician?"

- LARRY KING, talking to Paul Mccartney during a show, 2001
(this is an actual quote)

2003-06-24T13:52:00.000-07:00

2ND QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"You look like a frog."

- HOWARD STERN, talking to Larry King during a televised
appearence, 1997 (and this is a real quote)

2003-06-24T13:50:00.000-07:00

1ST QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"How come every time I put these suspenders on,
I can see my entire future?"

- LARRY KING, 2002

2003-06-24T12:44:00.000-07:00

FINDING NEMO

If a computer program (albeit several million dollar computers
operated by talented animators) can entertain so effortlessly,
then, really, why do we need live-action motion pictures?

Uh...because ever once in a while, there's a pretty good one. Yet,
how often do we have the pleasure in viewing an
action/adventure/comedy that's actually worth a goddamn? Can
you think of one? No..."X-2" is primarily a garden variety,
in-your-face action/action/f-x blockbuster...and I hear it sucks.
So, let's really think about it...

Hm..."Spider-Man" was decent, despite flaws. "Insomnia" was...
uh, sorry. Wrong genre....

"Monsters Inc." is the last adventure/comedy that graced the
multiplexes in which I thought was pretty darn good. Seriously.
In fact, not even Billy "I'm rehearsing for the Catskills" Crystal
could fuck it up (although, I'm pretty sure that was his intention).
And, not to sound maudlin, but everytime I view a Pixar motion
picture, it feels as if I've been transported to the sacredness of
childhood...uh, you know, without all the angst, pain, misery,
and awkwardness that usually accompany growing up. I'm
talking about when you were a kid, everything you saw
you were in complete awe of, and "Finding Nemo" is that
Goddamn magical.

In fact, Pixar's latest could very well be the best computer-
animated film ever made...so far.

However, since "Finding Nemo" is essentially being distributed
by Walt Fiz-ney, there is very little edge or darkness to be found,
like in the great tradition of Ronald Dahl, who's contribution
to children's literature include classics such as "Matilda" and
"The Witches", among others. Last year's anime-masterpiece,
"Spirited Away", contained much of the same spirit as Dahl,
although that movie was mainly inspired by Japanese tall-tales,
and mythology.

"Finding Nemo", as it is, is a comedy, so i suppopse if the movie
ventured off into dark territory, the storytelling might lose
its focus. My point is that I can't find a damn thing wrong with
the movie. The vocal work (especially Albert Brooks and Ellen
Degeneres) is impeccable, and the design and look of the
picture is gorgeous. The colors, the dimension,
the...oh, fuck it. Just watch the damn thing, alright?

2003-06-23T17:52:00.000-07:00

10TH QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"I'm in a transitional period right now. Like, when I
used to wake up in the morning, a couple
of years back, I'd get out of bed, walk to my
mini bar, and have a drink. These days, I
just don't go to bed."

- Pat Sajack, a few months after his talk show was taken off the air, 1989

2003-06-23T17:43:00.000-07:00

9TH QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"I love Pat Sajack, I really do...but there are times when
I want to stick a fork in his head, and watch him bleed to
death. But...that's love, isn't it?"

- Vanna White, 1988

2003-06-23T17:41:00.000-07:00

8TH QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"Pat is a little unhinged right now...but, that's okay.
I know what it's like to lose your own talk show..."

- Merv Griffin, on Pat Sajack's nervous breakdown after "The Pat Sajack Show" was cancelled, 1988

2003-06-23T14:34:00.000-07:00

7TH QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"You people are idiots!!!"

- PAT SAJAK, shouting at contestants during a taping of a show that never aired, 1988

2003-06-23T14:32:00.000-07:00

6TH QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"I've never been happier."

- VANNA WHITE, on her wedding day, 1988

2003-06-23T14:27:00.000-07:00

5TH QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"I've never been happier."

- PAT SAJAK, after signing a deal for his brand new TV talk show, 1987

2003-06-23T14:24:00.000-07:00

4TH QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"He's smells like my ass."

- VANNA WHITE, on standing next to Pat Sajak during the show's closing credits, 1983

2003-06-23T14:20:00.000-07:00

3RD QUOTE OF THE DAY:

VANNA WHITE AND PAT SAJAK - "Well, it's true that we love one another..."

VANNA WHITE - "I love Pat Sajak like a little brother..."

PAT SAJAK - "Well, Vanna I love you, too. But there's just so much that I don't know about you."

- WHEEL OF FORTUNE!, a musical rendition of the famous TV show, performed on Broadway, 1986

2003-06-23T13:19:00.000-07:00

2ND QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"It's going to be neat to see how we work together. I've never been in a movie before."

- Vanna White, on working with Pat Sajak, 1983

2003-06-23T13:17:00.000-07:00

1ST QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"Vanna White? Yeah, more like 'Vanna Shit'".

- Pat Sajak, 1983

2003-06-22T22:06:00.000-07:00

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, AN INTERVIEW WITH KIRK DOUGLAS:

ROBERT: So, Kirk. Thank you for being here.

KIRK: Err...

ROBERT: Now tell me, you've been in a substantial amount of roles lately,
that deal mostly with-

KIRK: Ahhhargh!

ROBERT: Uh, yeah. Um...yeah, so you've been in a lot of roles that deal with your
age, how do you prepare for that?

(Long pause)

ROBERT: Kirk? How do you prepare for that?

KIRK: Mahhh son....areghh....

ROBERT: Excuse me?

KIRK: Ahhhhrggghaoldmaaaan....

ROBERT: I'm sorry...I don't understand.

KIRK: Kurroooargggh...ah sthpeek bettah than mah son....

ROBERT: Oh! You speak better than your son?

KIRK: Yesh...

ROBERT: (laughs) Oh, Kirk. It's great to see you have a sense of humor
about everything. It's quite refreshing.

KIRK: Fuuuuuuuckmahheraharggh.....

ROBERT: Yes...so...how do you like working with your son, Michael?

(Long pause)

(Kirk begins to drool, and Robert notices this)

ROBERT: Umm....(looks around) Do we have any tissue paper?

PRODUCER: Yeah, yeah...

(The producer hands Robert a block of tissue paper)

PRODUCER: Here.

ROBERT: Thanks.

(Robert grabs it and hands it to Kirk)

ROBERT: You need that?

KIRK: Yesh...

(Kirk grabs the tissue paper, puts it in his mouth, and begins chewing)

ROBERT: Uh...so, uh...you like working with Michael?

KIRK: (chewing) hees mah son....blargghguwagga...

ROBERT: Yes. How do you like working with a family member?

KIRK: Dis ol man can sthpeek bettah than argehydarrrgghhh....

ROBERT: Yes. You speak better than him. I get it. That's funny.

(Kirk begins to get up from his chair)

ROBERT: Uh, sir. We're not done with the interview, yet.

KIRK: Blahhhharggh...

(Kirk stands up.)

ROBERT: Sir? Sir?

KIRK: Wahhhharggh...

(Robert tries to help Kirk back in his seat)

ROBERT: Sir, please...
(Kirk punches Robert in the stomach)

ROBERT: (In pain) Arggggghhh!!!

KIRK: Arggghhhh!!!

(Robert falls on the ground, holding his stomach)

ROBERT: (screaming) Guraggghhh!!!!

KIRK: Guragghhh!!!

(Kirk walks away, and heads out the door)

ROBERT: Ahhh!!! Stop him! Stop him!

(The producer runs after Kirk, and out the door)

(She finds Kirk staring at her, arms raised akimbo)

PRODUCER: You wanna piece of me, fucko?!

(Kirk rips off his shirt, and puts up a fist in the air)

KIRK: Dis ol man can shtill kick assshhh....arrgghhhh!!!

(Kirk runs after the producer)

PRODUCER: Ohh, shit.

(Kirk begins to lunge after her)

KIRK: Ahm Sparticus!!!!!

(All of a sudden, out of nowhere, Michael Douglas gets in the way)

(Kirk stops in his tracks)

(Michael just smiles at the producer)

MICHAEL: You can't take him anywhere...

PRODUCER: Huh?

(Michael and Kirk look at each other, and smile)

FREEZE FRAME....

THE END

2003-06-22T16:32:00.000-07:00

My favorite drink is Shasta...don't ask me why.

2003-06-22T16:16:00.000-07:00

There's a new kid in town. And his guns are loaded.